Family Time, God Comes First, and Remembering You Matter
Last weekend, my sister drove up from L.A. to buy a car off my parents to save money with a more economical vehicle. I went to see her and my grandfather instead of going forward with my own plans. Some people make choices to do their own thing, but I for one choose family a lot. I try to talk myself out of it, but I know this was the right thing. Family is a big deal. Sure they nag, they frustrate you, they invade personal time it seems, but really they are the cornerstone of strength when it seems like everything else is falling apart.
I feel better with family and it challenges me to check myself. If when I want to be annoyed or mad about something completely trivial or that I launch into opposition, I have to remind myself who owns the problem, where I am, and what can I do right now in this situation, if I can't do anything to let it go. I butt in, because I want to be heard and I sometimes feel like my family doesn't hear me, or that they don't care. They answer back, because they do care and they keep me accountable often too.
God comes first. Such a reminder for myself and really important. I want to ignore the signs that certain things are wrong. If I have to think twice about them, then they aren't a good idea in the first place. I established an accountability partner awhile back to keep me in check and lately I have resulted in being my own responsibility once more. People get busy. They forget they are your ally or you fight and things change and you are having a tough time doing that. It could be you don't want accountability and you get defense when someone tries to tell you what's right. I know I do. I respond with an unlady like sailor mouth and whine that I am not getting what I want. God will give you what you need not what you want. I guess I am frusrtrated I haven't found someone yet and seeing people engaged, married, and pregnant is hard on me. Don't get me wrong, I am very excited for them and thrilled for their adventure, but I want and long for one of my own.
I understand everyone has a past and that forgiveness is important to go forward. I have been going backwards sometimes thinking things will change when the same pattern won't change unless I change it myself. I have to remember I matter and there are certain boundaries that need to be set and lines that cannot be crossed either with myself or with someone else. I cannot compromise who I am for someone, and remembering I matter is something I work at. I still talk to someone who hurt me in the past. I have forgiven him, but I am not allowing him to center my thoughts and decisions anymore. I do get very weak with my heart, because I do care very much about just about everyone, even if I share a tad dislike of some. It is really freeing when I can allow myself to get back in the saddle with the Lord and take ownership of what bothers me.
I went to karaoke with my life group last night and I side stepped a potential bad situation of going to a guy's house that I used to see. I wanted to go there badly, but I didn't. After leaving the karaoke however, I went to see his hockey game. I get that talking is a bad plan, I get that doing what you said you wouldn't do is not good. I've been there more than once. We have to mess up to learn about what doesn't work or what we won't tolerate and the habits we must break. Behind the glass at the rink, I sat in the stands watching him play, trying to keep warm. I accepted that he's not going to be a boyfriend or a husband ever and he lost that chance; he knows. He's my friend and professional coworker and that's where it ends. I'm not saying that aloud to justify, I'm saying it to clarify maybe for me, maybe for you.
God willing, I need His strength, but his guidance as well. I seek this leadership and counsel, but I find I will pray to seek it out more, to pay attention, when I want to ignore it. Call it a habit, call it a blind stupidity or naivete. I am glad I went to see for myself his change. I matter. I matter to people that care about me and want the best for me. But most importantly, I matter to God and that is what makes the difference. I love God and loving him is respecting Him. I know I can do this, and I know that this is just the beginning, but it's a good lookin one so far!
I feel better with family and it challenges me to check myself. If when I want to be annoyed or mad about something completely trivial or that I launch into opposition, I have to remind myself who owns the problem, where I am, and what can I do right now in this situation, if I can't do anything to let it go. I butt in, because I want to be heard and I sometimes feel like my family doesn't hear me, or that they don't care. They answer back, because they do care and they keep me accountable often too.
God comes first. Such a reminder for myself and really important. I want to ignore the signs that certain things are wrong. If I have to think twice about them, then they aren't a good idea in the first place. I established an accountability partner awhile back to keep me in check and lately I have resulted in being my own responsibility once more. People get busy. They forget they are your ally or you fight and things change and you are having a tough time doing that. It could be you don't want accountability and you get defense when someone tries to tell you what's right. I know I do. I respond with an unlady like sailor mouth and whine that I am not getting what I want. God will give you what you need not what you want. I guess I am frusrtrated I haven't found someone yet and seeing people engaged, married, and pregnant is hard on me. Don't get me wrong, I am very excited for them and thrilled for their adventure, but I want and long for one of my own.
I understand everyone has a past and that forgiveness is important to go forward. I have been going backwards sometimes thinking things will change when the same pattern won't change unless I change it myself. I have to remember I matter and there are certain boundaries that need to be set and lines that cannot be crossed either with myself or with someone else. I cannot compromise who I am for someone, and remembering I matter is something I work at. I still talk to someone who hurt me in the past. I have forgiven him, but I am not allowing him to center my thoughts and decisions anymore. I do get very weak with my heart, because I do care very much about just about everyone, even if I share a tad dislike of some. It is really freeing when I can allow myself to get back in the saddle with the Lord and take ownership of what bothers me.
I went to karaoke with my life group last night and I side stepped a potential bad situation of going to a guy's house that I used to see. I wanted to go there badly, but I didn't. After leaving the karaoke however, I went to see his hockey game. I get that talking is a bad plan, I get that doing what you said you wouldn't do is not good. I've been there more than once. We have to mess up to learn about what doesn't work or what we won't tolerate and the habits we must break. Behind the glass at the rink, I sat in the stands watching him play, trying to keep warm. I accepted that he's not going to be a boyfriend or a husband ever and he lost that chance; he knows. He's my friend and professional coworker and that's where it ends. I'm not saying that aloud to justify, I'm saying it to clarify maybe for me, maybe for you.
God willing, I need His strength, but his guidance as well. I seek this leadership and counsel, but I find I will pray to seek it out more, to pay attention, when I want to ignore it. Call it a habit, call it a blind stupidity or naivete. I am glad I went to see for myself his change. I matter. I matter to people that care about me and want the best for me. But most importantly, I matter to God and that is what makes the difference. I love God and loving him is respecting Him. I know I can do this, and I know that this is just the beginning, but it's a good lookin one so far!
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