Setting yourself up for disappointment

I don't know what's harder, the beginning, the middle or the end of something you thought would last. for two weeks I have been sick on and off, and my life things I like doing have been put on hold, no gym, no life group, no bible study, it's been miserable and this week I could only go to work one day because I have pink eye in both eyes, trying to get well again. When I don't get to go anywhere or do anything, I do it anyways. I worked out while sick last week and made it worse. I went to see Iron Man yesterday after work because I needed to get out. I disinfected the apartment periodically and cursed when I saw statuses of people going out and having fun when I'm stuck. during my time in my room, or in the shower, or cleaning, I began to fester about what I could have been doing, what I needed to do, or what happened while I was absent, or about all the people I cared about who maybe forgot about me. Here's the thing, everyone has a hobby, or maybe its a flaw, my biggest one is that I take care of everyone else, before I take care of me. I make a care basket for someone who is hurt or stressed, I bake cookies, make dinner, babysit, clean, donate money, anything, and visit when someone is ill. I like to do everything because it makes me feel good inside, but I also internally expect that maybe sometime I will get the same kind of love in return. I set up expectations for friends, family, and especially guys. I made a dinner and a guy didn't show, I get horribly sick and a person who claimed they liked me and enjoyed being around me, isn't anywhere in sight and they won't reach for their phone or come as they said they would if I was ever down. Maybe it's the beginning of the initial contact when you meet a friend or guy and think, "this is awesome, I'm having a good time, so glad I met them, or it's so cool we could have this opportunity to meet." No maybe it's the middle, where you are laughing so much your sides hurt, they run up and hug you or text you random, silly things, just to show you are on their mind, or when they are tired, they know you get it and things will be right in no time....or so I thought. It's the end, you don't get, or see. The one in which you can't understand why or how or when, or what to do. They don't show, they don't answer, they don't care, and they don't see. Why? I made this all up in my mind, hoping, it's going to be different this time, I will receive rather than give, take rather than make. Sure, it's a great quality to give love, but if you are so often doing so, if you are like me, sooner or later, you will break, it won't be slow, it will be fast, and when it happens, you will try everything to deny it, or prevent it, and it will be over. Part of having a huge heart and helping is a calling, a beautiful duty of respect and glory, but so fleeting if malnourished and protected. I accept so much and too quickly because I essentially see the good in people and believe they will do no harm. However, the deepest harm one can muster is when hard to love, or when there's blinders on, and all they will see constantly is themselves. I set myself up for this big event, I prep for it, I plan for it, I thrive on it, and then it arrives, and I feel it, soak it in, and think it will stay, but reality checks in. The disappointment I set myself up for settles around me. Nothing amazing sticks, that's life; good with bad, tears with laughter, so it's gone, so they left, so I think and then I close off. I have to learn to take more care of myself than throw it all away too soon on something or someone who won't be there forever! How do you hope and dream for something that you are convinced may never happen, or will be for you?