Pretty blue eyes: the raw, truly existing, beating heart

Even though they may not see that I care, it’s wonderful to lie in their arms and not have to worry about a single thing. I just know better because they only want one thing. There cannot be simply cuddling or holding each other and have it be enough. No, it’s as if they have to take it further and ruin it or try pressuring you when you either kick them out, or tell them no. It’s comforting when a man knows you have boundaries and doesn’t cross them. It’s a bonus when there is a mutual understanding and he genuinely cares about you and what you think about them. I think I am one of those individuals who comes home from work with a strain in my neck and back from sitting in an office chair staring at a monitor; and wish that someone would lovingly give me a massage. Going to a massage place is costly especially if you try to do this monthly, it racks up in cost after a while. Maybe it is the romantic side of me, but when I look into their eyes I like to see that they are happy or relaxed, it’s really adorable when they are nervous too! When I get kissed on the forehead or my hair in the front is pushed back slightly, I smile. Tracing their fingers onto mine or caressing my face. Some people say you have to be in love to know or write about such things, however, I find that if it is on our minds, we can illustrate it, with or without having a companion.

Emptying our thoughts onto the pages, our hopes and how we perceive these moments to be is a way of making them real if only in our heads. I am a huge sucker for pretty blue eyes. There is something about the ocean blue serenity and beauty of the cornea of a man with this color set of eyes. I get lost in them, or find I cannot stop staring at them. A guy I used to date had fierce blue eyes and he used to tease me when I looked at them intently for far too long. I also look at hands, the contours of the roughness or the strong palms that hold my chin when I’m trying to look down. People say when you get older you don’t get the childhood jitters when you see them or the heart skips a beat, the glint in their eyes, but that you watch how big their smile gets whenever you are around, or how much fun you two still have, the playful side of you that never dies.

I know it’s a weird feeling when you think everything is going alright, but even when friends cuddle it starts to mean something different if one person wants more or you don’t know where you stand. Maybe it is the sensitive side of me that expects internally this person wants and needs me too for all the right reasons and that they won’t let me go anywhere. This is the part where the cue to signal the laughing jack-n-the- box or the evil cackle from a devil clown starts happening to tell you ‘you are out of your skull, that’s a bunch of bull, you fool.’ The truth is nothing lasts if it was never really there in the first place, even if you hope it to be.

A man tells you he likes the way you feel, or he likes that you help him relax, or he tells you, you are sexy. No, I’m not sexy, I’m beautiful. Alert me if I am wrong on this! Sexy is when I’m wearing a nightgown from Nordy’s or Macy’s and I feel comfortable enough to wear one around you, or when I am flirting with you and I like hearing it ;). Maybe I have to read more books, but the way I see it, the less you text a guy, the more they think about you, or the more you show your worth not tell it, they will appreciate it. I have to tell myself this all the time or re-look at ‘Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus’ book my mother gave me. I enjoy getting ready for a date and thinking what my date’s reaction will be to my outfit chosen and what kind of message I am trying to send; all those little things are actually somewhat important. For instance, if he remembers what you like, or how your hair falls to your face, what kind of smiles you make, or the things you say, he’s a keeper. If he knows nothing about you, and you know practically everything about that person, not only are you obsessing, but you are on the losing end.

What may seem solid and clear in your heart may not appear that way in hindsight from a third party observer or a family member, or even in your head. It doesn’t matter if you are in their arms, and they don’t want to leave either, as you cuddle together. Their arms feel like home and part of you is wishing you could stay there in that one spot. The vision of the Lord holding me is a special gift, however, it can be very difficult to imagine this wonderful creator keeping you warm; safe yes, but comfy, not as much in the physical sense as in the figurative sense. Of course, a person doesn’t want to think this way, or feel as if that having someone is what they need; really it’s not. The real need is to believe that we deserve to be with someone who compliments us in such a way, loves God too; that adds to what is already there, and then it will reaffirm the worth of all the warm fuzzies that one experiences with their loved one. Americans create little confidence with the concept of being alone, because some people view that as an insecurity or unwillingness to love or accept another person. Pretty blue eyes, so that I may see that you do exist somewhere, or that coming home to an empty place or flying solo is no longer the norm. Pretty blue eyes, wait for me.