What on Earth is this Anymore

When did love become such a challenge and judgement are regular norm and theme of the day? I mean this is absurd. After, so many tries of online dating, it is just not for me. I don't need the same love my parents have, or my aunt and uncle, but it would be nice to have one that lasts and doesn't end in divorce. Who am I kidding? I mean I live in a world where divorce is the norm, and people fight all the time, and nothing is forever. I returned home from an akward date yesterday and not even sure I knew what I had just done. No wait I do. I drove an hour there and back to see this guy who is in a wheel chair. I thought it would be cool since hey, don't mind the chair, but 31 without a job, and has a comic backpack and wants to get gauges threw me off.

The entire time I sat on the park bench thinking to myself, this guy does not care about himself enough at all. He doesn't take care of himself, hence no longer shaving his face, his legs need lotion badly, and his world has changed. The guy is bitter, but what's crazy is, he is super sweet and he is hilarious. I didn't want to stay long, so I said my leave to meet a friend for dinner, which isn't lie because I did go home and have dinner and take care of myself. It was just awkward, I mean it all was like another heck no, no more of this moment. I prayed and prayed and wrote in my journal and talked to people and believed and maybe still do or don't that my man is out there. Mia and I are perfectly okay right where we are.

If there is someone, we will be fine, with or without them. I have a great set of friends and a good family. I mean, I guess I convinced myself that I needed someone and that that was important. Clearly it is not and should not be. I mean I definitely, going back, could have saved a trip by skyping the guy. With our technology and all, I have the capability to just see someone virtually. The drive knocked some sense into me. As I drove back into Elk Grove then slowly into Folsom, I just knew that I would be okay. I mean I didn't feel good about it, and I am positive my dad will laugh at me for this, and others will point and stare, but it is what it is. This happens and it's difficult.

I am happy for those who did find their person or the one who they get to fight and work with. I want someone I can bitch about and love, and fight with, and have sex with, and cook with, etc. I also want to be equally yoked. I guess this was all a lot to ask. They keep telling me not to give up, well you go back and date in today's world, and you tell me how it is, and how you feel after that. I mean jeezus, it's not like it's easy, if it was, people would be happier, and there would be less disputes of divorce, but that's not real life. I am single because I am living my life and doing me and not settling for the first Joe that shows up. Call me an idiot, but that is not what I am about. These two quotes explain it all for me, so I added images here, because at the moment there aren't any more words to say. I love my life, and as hard as it can be, I wouldn't have it any other way, I would hope the same for anyone else. Marriage doesn't make you, you make you. I never needed someone in my world to tell me that. And hey, dinner for one is supposedly easier to clean up anyway!


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