There is no reason to hide

I walked out of the movie and spot on felt like wham. The director had my attention and there was something to be said about the way Affleck portrayed his character in that movie. The anger, the fear, the sadness, and the loneliness. At first you sit in your chair wondering why in the hell did I choose to watch this, and who on earth recommended it, but you continue to watch and you are glad you did. I cannot give the details away, but I recommend you see it for yourself, The Accountant. Doctors want to understand, people want to run, and then psychiatrists want to label. I love a key quote from that movie “I do not believe in labels.” Labels are given by society of what someone has, or what someone is because of the way they behave. They refer to them as well he/she is different. I wanted to hate that phrase, but slowly I am seeing I appreciate it. I am different.

 I change my sense of directions and choices at the drop of a hat. I don’t like something I either respond heavily or not at all, and completely disappear if something makes me uncomfortable or I tap into reading, writing, talking, and leaning into people who love me just the way I am. I often lie when I am nervous or when I am feeling threatened. The people closest to me can tell within a heartbeat or less that something is wrong. I cultivate many hobbies to cover my boredom, restlessness, and empty idle time. Mia is my stronghold when I am weak, commit the rest if not fully to the Lord. Borderline is not a disease, it’s a label that is all. I don’t like when people try to fix me, but it’s funny because what I am doing while they are trying to fix me, is try to fix them. I do so subconsciously and I forget that maybe what they’re doing is not ficing, it’s loving, loving me. Loving me and loving myself are two diverse entities.

 I love the way engineers think and process and I enjoy talking to scientists, and people who are debating physics and philosophy on a molecular level. I like them because they don’t fixate on emotion but rather a problem to be solved and a task at hand. I do the fixating on the emotions, and the catharsis of the mind, because I analyze myself and them and sensory and judging quickly as they are talking. My anxiety and negativity takes over and I fear they will not like me, so I say sorry a lot or talk less, or talk too much, and then the conversation is over and I am playing it back in my head and trying to figure out if I made the right decision or spoke off turn. I have many friends, but only a few understand what it is like to be on your way somewhere and suddenly forget what exit you need to take, who you are seeing, and when you become loss, your head takes over and then anger splits in. Instead of putting myself in a situation I do not want to be in, I flee. I flee somewhere safe.

 Today I did. I got lost on the way to see some friends driving in the rain, and without a second thought, I drove to the movie theaters, grabbed some popcorn, asked what the best movie was, and just sat. I solved my problem, but why was I upset with myself? Why was my questioning my decision? No one else was bothered with my choice, but me, margo was analyzing the choice, and judging herself on it. The movie was good, and I was good. Minus my teeth being covered in popcorn kernels of course, but I was good, and I was safe. You are asking if there is something wrong, or why I am so weird, or why did I do that? I did that for me, I did that because over time, you began to understand and accept that you are here, this is now, you are loved, and it’s okay. It is okay to be depressed, it is okay to be angry, or sad, or lost, or confused, or alone, or upset, or different. I saw a movie. I saw a movie they told me would be good; I liked it and I came home to play with my dog and tell you that what I saw all makes sense.

The reason Silver Linings Playbook was hard to watch, yet such a good movie, was because it’s raw and it is real and I liked how that they were different, they were like me. We all have a place here so please stop pointing fingers, stop running, and stop shooting; we are different, but we are people too. Tell us where to go, what to do, we shut you out. Love us and support us, that is why we show back up again. The love I felt for someone my past resurfaced last weekend, and it saddened me.