THE GREAT BIG F BOMB er Meaning

 This little town of Rancho Bernardo has grown on me. Somehow it reminds me of home and somehow in other ways does not. My boyfriend managed to find some adorable, lesser known places to eat, things to do, and I hide out in these places just to think. It's funny I am a fan of chain restaurants, like Einstein Brothers, Chipotle, etc, but even then, it is so nice to find a place the locals like, or one not many people go to at certain hours of the day like a yogurt shop.

I was hesitant to plant myself here and I think somehow it has weaseled it's way to my inner core especially when my mind drifts to my family, I remember I have Mia with me and God to tackle what I cannot face alone. I stand around in my quiet apartment, no ac on (sure I am crazy, but it saves me money), and I think about how much things have changed for me over the years, but what has also remained the same. I keep a dream board in my room as I mentioned before, of my hopes. Last week, I was in a rut and I wanted to burn the thing. I had never felt so strongly about wanting to destroy what I am hoping so much for. I learned too though, that we only tell ourselves things are complicated or that we are depressed or hate something or someone when we are truly scared.

I see though too that it is not about what you do in this life, it is about the people you love, nothing else. Those two quotes above are from two shows I like a lot, Drop Dead Diva and Supergirl (which i used to hate of course). Cliche as they are, they get me to recognize, it is not about what we own, or what we hope to have (although both nice to have and set goals for), it is about the people we are with. These people, who I often don't see so much, maybe just their voice on a phone call, their presence or background noise on a Skype call, or something I receive in the mail from them, or a moment we have together.

I have neglected practicing for a training presentation because my mind is on so much. I wish my whole family was all together, so my mind wouldn't drift toward them daily, or have this need to help them all the time, just help myself. There isn't a concept or measurement of time in this world of how or when things will happen or change. We have this plan for how it is supposed to go, or how we think it will make us feel once it occurs. But isn't so much sweeter, when it happens, maybe not so much on our timing, but on the timing that was set for us without our control? I think it is, and I pray I remember I won't give up on that or anyone whether with time or with them. I won't give up on them, because they don't give up on me!

P.s. thank you to the anonymous folks for your responses to my writing and blogs; also on a finer note... I realize these contain grammatical errors and often don't make sense. I am English major, but lately I have lost care for perfection in this work. Here's why: I write directly what I feel before it exits my brain permanently and it also indicates my mood at the time, if you can picture it in the strokes and in the lack of decorum lol, then maybe you will see, that although I am flawed, the writing I convey is truly my own and unique, and in the words of my Aunt, at least the whole thing doesn't contain a bunch of F bombs !