Mother moment

 Hello bloggers and readers!

It has been awhile since I have posted anything at all. I am a new mom, of an almost 7 month old baby boy. He was born March 8, 2021 and is the light of my husbands and my lives besides our Mia of course! He is growing fast, and he likes our attention and gets bored very easily. He must be in motion 24/7 and was like this in the womb! He is a lovebug, but a goober and a lil monster as well! 

What have I been up to ? Well, where do I start? Kiddos make the world better and they are a joy. Your life however, is not your own anymore. Not a bad thing, just different. You become parents and there is not a single manual for the right way to do this thing called motherhood AT ALL. I experienced postpartum when I left the hospital and did not know it, even identity loss and terrified of what to do with this beautiful tiny human, Matt and I were about to take home. I committed myself to fulltime nursing and pumping, and regimens and schedules, sleep training, all of it. I also wanted to be this hot mama who wore chic clothes and made it appear I had my basic well “had my shit together.” I was in for a surprise. 

I took maternity leave, lost sleep, sanity, clarity and even lost my self trying to make weight for my son. I sobbed at odd hours worrying I was failing him or lol wait for it, my body slash god given watermelons were not the right ones! Yep folks, I thought God had traded me with someone else! I was and am still a hot mess. I refused to accept this and tried harder.

I fed my son every 2 hrs on the dot, I took it to feeding him on the hospital recommendation, not on the one that would keep mom human and husband calm. Nope, I wanted my baby to be the beat one out there. Turns out? My son is all legs and skinny body, LIKE MY Family, wait like myself and like Matt. Built this way, born this way! I yet again fed him every 3 -4 hrs when he reached 5-6 months, and at daycare fell into a schedule they give you when you get there. I was irritable, impatient, weary, tired, anxious, and foggy, still I soldiered on. I record every diaper change, I get him to his naps when people stare at me as if I have four heads and when I take thousands of pictures of him, or when I say no to plans, or when I go leave for 20-30 mns to nurse or pump and people laugh or joke or stare in shock or dismay. Why don’t you quit, get off the crazy pyscho train? Every 4 hrs are you nuts?! The work stress ensued and I lost margo, I became full mom, and less me. 

My husband took to my lead, but in the back or his mind wondered, is she ok? He stared at my exercise bike motioning to it, as if to say, it misses you, do you miss it? I had no plan yet, or how to get me back. I was still trying to figure out who I was, sometimes still am.  At work, I was and am a basket case with attached wheels who at 10am and 2pm disappears into a room to make food for my child. When people ask, or they schedule meetings? I stopped explaining myself, as I am an open book. I would tell them, only to get those awkward “um eww tmi, or wow awkward,” anything to avoid the obvious. I put it on my outlook as “Mother moment” this is in itself is yes a make milk time, but it is also mom breathe, and be safe, be comfortable, you are powerful, you are ok reminders moment. 

I began to accept the little things, clothes not fitting or the mom jeans, or the vitamin carrier, the larger purse, the snuggles, and baby cam watching, to the bigger things, the change in friendships, or the changes in routine, modifying to fit our existing schedules, and dailies, but with a little “me time” too. The less buying of self items, more about home, family, and dog needs. The need to cram a meal in prior to feeding my son, or making milk. I have so much appreciated my husband’s help and almost took it for granted on this journey to momhood. I was one of them now, but better yet, I was also Margo, the chatty gal who likes to read, write, sit in a hot bubble bath, and watch Netflix, but I was also wife to Matt, and dog mom, but most important and best title ever that I have been given, (but need not define me unless I let it) is MOM. Mom to Miles, our handsome boy. 

Amidst the chaos of a pandemic, drama in the world, or where I should be with the likes of other moms out there or friends or family, I needed grace for shedding who I was, and who I still am, but also who I am becoming- not who I thought I would become. Yes, I will say that again. Embracing who I am, who I am becoming, and shedding who I was, in order to make room for who I want to become. - ME 

Whatever that looks like today, tomorrow, next week, next month, next year, my prayer that in this mother moment, this season, this time in which I do not have it all together, that no I am not a soccer mom, or get along with a bunch of moms.  I am MOM, but I am also Margo, a mother who has strength in there despite this crash course learning, heavy ridden sleepless nights of anxiety, or anger, or sadness, fear even, God knows I am going to make it, so it is time I believed that as well. I am giving my child life, through myself, and it is the coolest, weirdest, most incredible gift EVER, and no one can take that away. As batshit as I am, I want to be able to try to do this (feed/nurse/pump be an alien with tubes who sustains a human life, not just for me, but for my son. 

 Easier said than done, but little by little I am seeing me again when I can, and taking little parts of the new and the old, and piecing them together with who I want to become- Margo, the one who has been missing for awhile. She is in there somewhere. Thanks for those who have seen her all along and didnt leave just loved me for who I am- in all my vulnerability, my love and energy and newfound courage as Momma O’Connor, Miles mother, the professional working mom with a heart as big as the sky. Readers, hope you are doing well, wanted to drop a line, tell you, I am on a path, one day at a time, I am finding the good, and the joyful, the silly, and the fun, and accepting what it is, letting go of what was.