Stop Just Stop

 As sit here at the mommy milk factory its 10am and for whoever cares (yep just me I am on time)….I am grappled with this: did you change, did you figure out what you needed? Who are you today, tomorrow? Your loved ones and friends listen to your story, your woes, (when they have their own) over and over same pattern, same theme. One minute you are on solid ground, all is well you are eating well. The next you are irritable, depressed, scared, anxious, and wiped out. Then you write…..

You don’t hit the snooze button because your alarm goes off at 5am or 6 most days to start a ten hour day, and you find yourself turning on last week’s sermon, listening to music as you check work emails, and field of fires you missed from the day before. The sounds and voices grow louder. Why haven’t you started working out more, 2 days a week, that’s it, how come you are still feeding him your milk, you just don’t seem like you anymore, did you really buy store-bought Target salmon? STOP. JUST STOP. 

You repeat the words calmly and slowly as you finish up pumping milk and began getting ready for the day. You follow up with yesterday’s text messages, read Instagram story or two, and then you hear a cry from upstairs. Your child is awake and he’s hungry. Your husband comes downstairs holding baby, and the dog bolts to the food bowl you have prepared. What day is it?

 In your head you think maybe today, maybe tomorrow try another route, in hopes that whatever plan you try will work, or someone says Find Jesus and all will be well, or take meds, and you will be cured, do something, just do something, (insert happy irony, I don’t need to find Jesus by the way, he found me). Why are you like this again, oh right, the baby breza needs to be unloaded from last night….I need to make my caffeine free chickory coffee. I think I have my lunch for today…. ----Mumbles, noise, distraction, the baby holds his arms up in the pack n play, staring at mom racing, pondering, searching, calculating, and all sudden, STOP. 

You reach out your arms to hold the precious little hands and scoop up the snuggles as he smiles up at you and rips at your earrings and pulls down your glasses. Hi sweetheart, oh there you are, you are right here, right now, and this, this is all that matters. You have the routine in, he is getting what he needs, you have probably had a meltdown or two this week, but this, this right here, and it’s all worth it all over again. You stare down into those little eyes, and hug them tighter, closer, he pushes you away, too much Mommy, the dog sniffs your shoes, and nuzzles by your stature near the fire. Hubs packs up the car, and kisses you on the cheek, asking if you locked the baby gate, you reply with a confident, yes, and you and your family head out for the day.

 

Right here in the silence, at the crux of these moments, shouting no I am not happy 24/7, no I don’t need to be, am I ok? Yes. I don’t owe you anything, but apparently, I owe myself something, and it’s writing it down. Maybe this is for me, to get me to see me, accept what is, love what is, and STOP. Just STOP. As the lyrics in the Trace Adkins country song says ‘You’re gonna miss this. You’re going to want this back, you’re going to wish these days hadn’t gone by so fast. These are some good times. You may not know it now…. but you’re going to miss this.” Some people may sit there concerned and worried about you, but you know who doesn’t, those who were there, those that know, cause they were there.

I love this part about myself, the ability to write and write, even if it makes zero sense, and at the crack of dawn when no one is up. The side I missed, time with Him, time to read, or listen to a podcast. Time to reset even if all of this amounts to just 10mns.

A very interesting set of insight from Pastor Jared Herd preaching about boxes! Boxes, if you can believe it. My husband lives in boxes, LOVE it. And we have a box for EVERYTHING. Stop JUST Stop.

Sermon tidbit….

“Denial always has to be rooted in desire and we are constantly ensared by what we want more, and that in itself ignores the struggles and all other issues around us.

Denial yanks us. 

What is it you want if u cant answer that you will be entangled by every obstacle in front of you. 

Allow Christ to mess up your box. Take residence in what He says to say. Shut down for awhile, listen.”

 For those at home while your kids were sick or are sick, a pandemic at your rearview and all you want to do is hide. What you can do each day, is try, and begin again. Two steps forward, two steps back, two steps forward, trust, shut out the noise. It will still be there when you are outside in the world once more, but maybe this time round, you will hear it, and you will focus on one thing, just one, JUST STOP. Right here, right now. You got this. Whatever it is that struggle that snare that plagues you. 

 

Hope if you are still reading this, thank you by the way, this is an outlet for me and of my favorites, this wasn’t necessarily to scare you, maybe it will inspire you, this is me, and this woman, she’s doing. She’s not good, she’s not, great, she’s not swell, she’s not okay, she’s doing, and she’s got this! So do you! If you needed this today, a reminder that it is okay and you are awesome, don’t quit then let me just say one more thing, you’re incredible that you that is inside and you got this!