Monkey Mind: Anxiety and Miss Moxie

Anxiety is that little fear in the back of your mind that things won't go as you want them to or that automatically you assume the worst. According to the awesome book Monkey Mind, “Anxiousness isn't shameful. It's being alive to life's contradictions.” I am 25 years old and I experience anxiety almost every day, but the trick is to not let it win. There are some days where I feel like my world is falling apart even if one thing doesn’t go as a planned an angst mind becomes uncomfortable. I truly have to remind myself that God is in control. Take dating for instance. I am an open book and as great as that may sound, it’s as if I’m diving head first into the shallow end of a pool without thinking. Everyone wants in your business; just ask the people at the office who have slow days or are so bored they will listen to you babble about whatever is on your mind, even your most personal of discussions. Sure, it’s great to talk about it, but about three or four people later, you realize almost the entire floor knows what you did last night or who you think is cute! Big mistake. My anxiety run of the mill, happens when there isn’t any communication, or I take my brain out for a spin, and wind up crashing in the nearest bank either my couch or bed full of tears and distress. I usually take it to the gym after work and sweat it out and I feel better. I keep remembering my goal this year is to be positive and shut my mouth, and it has been a tough one to grasp especially when I am trying to put myself out there as well. My friends asked to talk about my dating stories, to be fair to the individuals who were not so pleasant, I won’t be mentioning any of it. I will however say that it is becoming so much easier to point out what do and do not want. I will remind myself I am a catch and that these things take time, as my older self-ten years down the road would point out, but the sarcastic me as of present says, “Yeah well, what do you know about texting, dating, and making a profile online anyway?” It’s so funny to me to put up all these pictures and write an illustration of who you are, but not a bio because this isn’t English class, and no one cares after the second sentence anyways. Or it could be I would like to rush to the end or some kind of outcome and maybe it is because I really care about people think. It isn’t a secret that I try to challenge myself by throwing my phone in my desk drawer at work or in my trunk of my car to keep focus and not be constantly keep looking at it hoping I didn’t miss out on anything. The best place to be: an area with no cell service or internet. I find myself returning to peaceful serenity as God sees and to believe in the good of everything. I remember in a movie calledPeaceful Warrior, a cocky gymnast encounters Socrates, his mentor and Socrates teaches him to live in the present. Well if Socrates were still living, I’d hand him my iphone and say, “Don’t give this back to me, until I smile and am perfectly calm with my surroundings.” Hmm, might not see that cell for a while! I have a chance to laugh at myself and realize I am human and I make mistakes, but God will love me no matter what, so I pray I can live his way, and the anxiety will dissipate over time, and come with new found strength. For now, I will have a glass of wine, kick off my shoes, and dance in the kitchen like the world’s craziest maniac, maybe cry a little, take a bath, and then maybe eventually get over it and myself :).