It's a Journal, but it isn't

It's really frustrating when you are talking to someone who almost makes you feel demeaned in a way, or ignored even. I am critical of myself and always have been. If I'm honest, I know that is a flaw and I am aware of it. Confidence is for sure a sexy quality! The thing that bothers me is that it's as if I have to be on my guard all the time with people I appear to think are better, and it doesn't feel right. I find that same demographic in people, or did anyway. I thought it worked out, but the more I became privy to the control and the power they had over me, I realized it wasn't so nice anymore. There is nothing more uncomfortable, than being around someone who criticizes you, advises you, ignores you, or tries to change you. As I mentioned before, I have a mother, a counselor, and siblings for that lol, don't need another! I do appreciate honesty and criticism when it is given, but for some people it feels blatant. I wonder if it's a power trip; like if they put you down, or treat you this way, it will keep them uplifted and make you feel even worse, and question everything you are and all you are about. It's not healthy and it's really debilitating.

I liked that at first, I could interest them by being my alter ego and completely going with the ' I do not care, I am woman hear me roar, but it turned out to being 'help me Obi Wan you're my only hope." I mean seriously that was just ridiculous. I know it will take some serious time, before I am okay with being in my own skin around some people, who are just jerks, but for the rest, I am thankful that although they can see inside, they don't disconnect, but they get me. My writing here has truly been an outlet to just babble on and it's almost a journal I guess. Usually journals are private, but this one isn't. I am so glad I can be open about certain things and just express the ins and outs of not only the dating world, friendships, job, but just life in general.

I close off when I feel threatened, or I cling on tightly especially with those kinds of people. I notice neither are affective! I am learning to see that if I take a moment to just be, it is all the more valuable to me later. I am grateful for the learning too. I am very excited for the mission trip, but the other night I had an intense dream. I felt displaced from my own area, and my slumber, it was insane. I wondered if this was the right person, me, feeling completely desolate, confused, and almost agitated upon my return from the trip. I haven't even gone, and I know this trip will change me, rock my stability a little if you will. I hope and pray for that, but I guess it almost just terrifies me a bit; maybe that I could be stretched for resistance and challenges. Not sure yet.

Last week, when I walked into an interview, I was so nervous, that I almost went to the wrong office for the meeting. There is just so much I want to do, and if I think about doing it all in one sitting, I could just explode with all of the ideas. I thought it went well. I actually entertained that I could really do this, the job that is. Anyhow, I think it's the same with people I choose to spend time with. I am really coming to find, that if they encourage the best in you, they are worth being around, or if they relax you in a way of laughter, or general trust, it fits. You either feel really good about it or them, or you don't. That's an indication things need to improve, otherwise it will only be a heavy, burdening weight to carry around. I intend to drop the weights, wherever they are, even if it takes some time to do so!