Conditional, starting a new season and life, Helicopter Applying
There are so many articles out there on how to be happy or methods on ways to get rid of the sad or lonely or angry or whatever you feel. I read an article from Elephant Journal (one of my favorite websites to read from) about how to just be who you are in that moment and the best part is, it doesn't have a time limit. Things take time. Grief takes time. Maybe you are depressed because of the time change and waking up this morning was no fun. You pick a few solid go to people and you feel badly about venting to them so you stop venting or you just hide. You stop talking, you try to stop feeling, but your heart doesn't want to lie.
The heart doesn't lie, I am willing to bet there are quite a few songs out there about that. People are conditional. They are there when you need them, you exhaust them, they tell you let go get God, they set a boundary (rightfully so, and perfectly acceptable), and then you just disappear. Still learning to not vent to a parent, who apparently turns it into trying to fix and shame you into not only continuing to have them be the rescue, but that you need to do this, or try that, or be less of this. Yikes.
Tried online dating again. I was going to give myself a month, but after yesterday's fiasco no thank you. My Aunt says it isn't like the early years where you walked to someone's house that you liked, there weren't stupid things like Snapchat (they say it's for revealing pictures as to why for creation...), or Facebook where you could find out your wife or husband was cheating on you, awful. How to be happy; Insert Garfield face of : don't even start. Attention craving, mistake and accident prone, calls therapist once a week, beautiful mess. That is me. I wouldn't say I am depressed because last Friday was pretty much an amazing, fun, funny day and night. It ended with me teasing someone about Toyota Corolla's standing in the rain, and laughing because I was having a great time. Life is interesting that way, with all of the confusion, the heartaches, the pain, the joy, and laughter, the anger and the frustration, the fear and the loneliness.
No one asks. In the last few weeks I have had to say goodbye (like hell I said see you later, or I didn't at all) to four people in my life; four of which are special to me in different ways and made a mark on my world and my heart. Yesterday, my mentor and director, Wendy from FOPC church it was her last day, and I got up on the platform in the back room at the luncheon and said a few words. I noticed that it doesn't matter if it's a speech at a wedding, if it's a few nice things to say, a poem to read especially if your love is around, or a complaint to make, it's hard to do. My whole body was shaking standing with the microphone telling people how this woman impacted my life, and how I want to impact people in the very same fashion.
When someone leaves, it changes you. Some of you get angry and sad and plead for them to stay, you bargain, reason, fight, and then worry they will forget you. You cannot hide you miss them already even if they haven't left, or that maybe it's only a new house, but they won't be next door anymore. You adapt and you grow, and if strong enough, you withstand the change. My best friend from fourth grade moved to Colorado a couple years ago. Worst day ever. Another one got married and moved back to her original home. It's a part of life, but this to say; change isn't fun. I know God likes changes and likes it for us, but for me, I hate it. I even have trouble switching out fun decor in my house, afraid I will ruin the flow!
Lately, it seems like the company is on rapid apply rate, or jump ship, apply to new work, move, apply within the company; something. The exit interviews here have spiked, people aren't sure what will happen next and it's know fun when you hear some of your friends from other companies won't have jobs soon. You are sitting here having one, but wishing you were challenging yourself, working harder, and moving forward. People say keep your head down, mouth shut and keep working. Hard to when it's rampid like a disease of negativity everywhere. All you have is try to fight it, maybe apply a little, but know that every employer, place of business etc. experiences this crazy so to speak... er well at least that was the gimmick we are told when growing up or when we ask what to do. That all aside, this is conditional.. it's not forever (I keep telling myself that), maybe if I keep telling myself about all that or phases or whatever it will eventually become believable and real. Until then, coffee, coffee, coffee.
The heart doesn't lie, I am willing to bet there are quite a few songs out there about that. People are conditional. They are there when you need them, you exhaust them, they tell you let go get God, they set a boundary (rightfully so, and perfectly acceptable), and then you just disappear. Still learning to not vent to a parent, who apparently turns it into trying to fix and shame you into not only continuing to have them be the rescue, but that you need to do this, or try that, or be less of this. Yikes.
Tried online dating again. I was going to give myself a month, but after yesterday's fiasco no thank you. My Aunt says it isn't like the early years where you walked to someone's house that you liked, there weren't stupid things like Snapchat (they say it's for revealing pictures as to why for creation...), or Facebook where you could find out your wife or husband was cheating on you, awful. How to be happy; Insert Garfield face of : don't even start. Attention craving, mistake and accident prone, calls therapist once a week, beautiful mess. That is me. I wouldn't say I am depressed because last Friday was pretty much an amazing, fun, funny day and night. It ended with me teasing someone about Toyota Corolla's standing in the rain, and laughing because I was having a great time. Life is interesting that way, with all of the confusion, the heartaches, the pain, the joy, and laughter, the anger and the frustration, the fear and the loneliness.
No one asks. In the last few weeks I have had to say goodbye (like hell I said see you later, or I didn't at all) to four people in my life; four of which are special to me in different ways and made a mark on my world and my heart. Yesterday, my mentor and director, Wendy from FOPC church it was her last day, and I got up on the platform in the back room at the luncheon and said a few words. I noticed that it doesn't matter if it's a speech at a wedding, if it's a few nice things to say, a poem to read especially if your love is around, or a complaint to make, it's hard to do. My whole body was shaking standing with the microphone telling people how this woman impacted my life, and how I want to impact people in the very same fashion.
When someone leaves, it changes you. Some of you get angry and sad and plead for them to stay, you bargain, reason, fight, and then worry they will forget you. You cannot hide you miss them already even if they haven't left, or that maybe it's only a new house, but they won't be next door anymore. You adapt and you grow, and if strong enough, you withstand the change. My best friend from fourth grade moved to Colorado a couple years ago. Worst day ever. Another one got married and moved back to her original home. It's a part of life, but this to say; change isn't fun. I know God likes changes and likes it for us, but for me, I hate it. I even have trouble switching out fun decor in my house, afraid I will ruin the flow!
Lately, it seems like the company is on rapid apply rate, or jump ship, apply to new work, move, apply within the company; something. The exit interviews here have spiked, people aren't sure what will happen next and it's know fun when you hear some of your friends from other companies won't have jobs soon. You are sitting here having one, but wishing you were challenging yourself, working harder, and moving forward. People say keep your head down, mouth shut and keep working. Hard to when it's rampid like a disease of negativity everywhere. All you have is try to fight it, maybe apply a little, but know that every employer, place of business etc. experiences this crazy so to speak... er well at least that was the gimmick we are told when growing up or when we ask what to do. That all aside, this is conditional.. it's not forever (I keep telling myself that), maybe if I keep telling myself about all that or phases or whatever it will eventually become believable and real. Until then, coffee, coffee, coffee.
I've lost contact with a lot of people over the years for one reason or another. From personal experience I've learned those who really care and matter will stay in touch no matter what. Number i can count on one hand without using all my fingures. But honestly i wouldn't have it any other way. It helped shape me and now i have a strong connection with a few instead of a weak connection with many. Reminds me of Wi-Fi lol.
ReplyDeleteI think also too ghosting is common now. It's very mean but sometimes people cannot handle a goodbye or pain, although it is better to be up front and honest. I agree too. It is okay to have a close knit set of friends. To be honest, I know so many, and I think I will have to slowly cut back due to energy output and everything else; makes all the difference and people show their true colors one way or another.
ReplyDelete