What we think we want

What I have 

I somehow pictured myself owning a duplex or an apartment in NYC, eating a bagel and being an editor for the NY Times or modeling in Brooklyn or even being a doctor in yes wait for it, Manhattan. I dreamt of all the luxury and joys of being able to have a job I figured I would be good at and enjoy it all. What I did not see is I want everything I can ever possibly want without seeing the lines behind them or the doors in front of them. I didn't do well with Math and Science, business never came easily to me and I wanted the couture life of jet setting all over the world in private jets, driving, nice looking-fast cars, being the best, and never feeling this "grass is greener, I want what they have" feeling. I feel it all the time. I am slowly trying to better myself out of this negativity hole and wanting desires that never last. I went to school 2 hours away from home and managed to graduate with zero debt but always wanted more. I wanted a cool roommate, or a house, or a kitchen with top of the line appliances (Rachel Ray, you lucky gal). I was used to telling people how annoying apartment living is, how expensive it is, and how small my place is. I still do. I complain and whine when people I used to know no longer hold a place in my world either by choice or by turn of events. I watch people I am friends with or love or cherish, move away, or lose contact, maybe not on purpose but over time with circle of life. I often have to evaluate how much I say or how little I say to people, men and women. I never realize until later how much it can hurt someone; working to fix and keep tender, self disclosure. The awesome friendships I have been able to enjoy has been incredible, but hugely exhausting when the number sky rockets to me giving myself and of my heart to people I am not even close with, whether it's my time or my money, etc. I not only have this distaste in my mouth and this overzealous behavior in my home, but in my job. Most jobs would have fired you if you fought with a coworker or had a teary moment in the bathroom due to stress. My mom asked me to my grandpas last week and my initial knee jerk reaction would be to respond that I had plans. The night before I spent clearing out old contacts in my phone and facebook and excess crap. I frequently hit this point of depression and anxiety, where I suddenly want everyone anf everything to simply go away and leave me alone. I become jealous of others and their journeys, new babies, wedding, cruise, new job, new location, new boyfriend, new home, etc. What I forget in all my treks to obtain what they have, is that I forget what I already gained. 

I live in apartment complex whose backyard environment and pool area are pretty summer ready and inviting. I have weird, difficult downstairs neighbors, but everyone else (knock on wood) has been great. I live next to food, nail salon, and such. I have a large couch and my dog enjoys walks. I have a home away from home spot for myself to go to if I need family and vacation. My job lets me travel, and take every other friday off. I am a single woman and somehow am whining because I get to travel on two international trips, time permitting. I have a dog who is pretty mellow and likes the outdoors. I am close to the bike trail and friends and family not far off if I am in trouble. I read books at home, and cut back on groceries when I can and costs and things I do not need. I hiss and moan at all of the attention others get or what they have especially if my money has to go towards something when I am not living paycheck to paycheck. The cycle resurfaces when I am so busy focused on what I could have rather than what has been there all along. The education, the coworkers and an unstable work environment to teach you tenacity, courage, positivity even when you do not have any. I whine about how I should be or where I should be when I don't see before me how far I have come. I berate myself on what I should be doing, someone else to please, or something that I need to do because someone else does so. All these activities, the struggle with what you can and cannot say, the things I never thought Id have but do, the things I want, but don't need. Sometimes it takes a serious time out, an unplug, and decompress weekend, followed by parental talks, that really, minus that one crap day here or there, all is well, life is content, I have it good. Maybe it is natural cause I am in my 20's a mere baby of sorts who hasn't been exposed to the elements, or I have and I revamp my self revival each time. Everybody needs a fresh start, a better perspective and a whole lot of gratitude. I struggle with gratitude lists because I think they are stupid. I will start enteries then throw them out, or slack off and no longer do them. Someone suggested a gratitude jar. At some point, I may consider since it will benefit myself and my surrounding life. The comparisons need to go away. I may want to move up north or have a lot of things, or this or that, but what I hope to appreciate is what I have, what I am working toward, and what has been with me and beside me all along.  I watched Mia sitting on the deck of the cabin at grandpa's looking at the world below and felt home and whole. The moment was brief and I was back to my antics when we got in the car, but maybe that is my challenge. Find whole in all that I do, in all that I am already, all that I have, and things I have yet to do. Maybe what I need is right here.