Underneath it all, here you are again

I love writing. Seriously love it. You can put blah blah on paper and write your deepest thoughts, concerns, worries, dreams, hopes, rants etc. Thursday, I had two sips of wine and got called into work. I did some unnecessary ranting and cursing on my drive in and complained to my few closest friends, but all the while knowing this wouldn’t take away that I still had a task to do. When urgent submitting come in, my job is to submit them regardless of where I am, schedule, location etc. I guess that is why it is a good paying job. The job I do is at a desk all day managing programs and analyzing data. It is easy to say that after almost coming up on five years, I was and am slightly bored. The grass is of course not always greener on the other side. After going to dinner with my best friend Krysta Tuesday night, I realized what she said about going back to school resonated with me. I wanted to learn again. I decided to apply to Folsom Lake College for Early Childhood Education, maybe get my teaching cert and try that route. Guys, Gals, I am terrified, nervous, stressed and scared to try this. What if I don’t end up doing well, or liking teaching or being bad at it, or having no social life anymore, all my anxieties coming to play. I wanted to be a cool nurse like my friends Sydnee when I was in high school, looking back though, I honestly probably could not handle being in an operating room, or running on no sleep like my paramedic pal Alex does. Those jobs looked glamorous to me, but like mine, they aren’t. They are hard work and you don’t get patted on the back for them. Sometimes that it is, such is life. 

I berated myself for complaining to Tiffani, my team lead about everything and wanting to change my world. I wanted to rick rock the system. I am supposed to start school in the spring and meet with a counselor next week all the while, still applying to jobs. I also have been all over the place between saying goodbye to a couple men I shouldn’t be speaking to, then falling right back in, and conversing with them again. I find myself going, this doesn’t feel right, this doesn’t make me feel better. Mia has most definitely covered my empty home feeling and splattered it with joy and love, however, carrying the groceries all at once like a she hulk or quietly sitting underneath a blanket with a book is something I have yet to stop appreciating. I alternate between loving those moments, to being sad about them and for them, because it isn’t shared with someone with a dizzying intellect, a dork who probably refuses to put a coaster underneath his beer, or shave his no shave November beard. 

Sounds particularly gross until you think, gosh I don’t want to go on another awkward online date, or sit here and wonder if I will ever meet the one, or throw myself into another set of hobbies. Nope, I just want to live my life, and still harbor this hope and this prayer, that he does exist. In my life, I have fallen in love a few times. The men were not amazing, but to me at the time, they were. Post to recently, I fell in love with someone I may not get over for a long time. I fell like a ton of bricks well before he even cared to buy me dinner. It had been awhile since I had fallen, and I liked it, but the worry set in, and eventually yet again I was right. They were no sooner gone, than when they came. I want to hope, but for now, Mia and I are just fine. I will admit out loud, I miss him, and try as I might, I won’t forget him. People say you should forget a person who won’t speak to you again, but I cannot. I know full well this isn’t to spite me, it’s to move forward, and he would want it for me too. So all I have is that I love you, I will love you for a while, give God my best and my heart until someone else (if it happens) takes your place. 

I will go into whatever state of crazy or hard work that is required to improve my life, grow, and evolve just like everyone else. I started donating things that were worn, and shouldn’t be worn anymore. I took charge of what needed to be taken charge of, and therapy is still going. For now, I think that is all that matters, is that I am trying. Have a good day all!