The Struggle is Real : Admittedly So....
They tell you to look at every positive thing or moment in your life and focus so intently on it that everything else won't matter or that they keep pushing you to remember how good you have it. Yeah well, everyone's struggles, flaws, insecurities, and issues as people sometimes unfortunately call them.. (which really is code for problems) those are real y'all. I struggle with acting based on how I feel hugely. I get reminded of it everyday and especially when I am sitting on the couch in a therapy session getting it out. It's tough stuff. I won't be taking it lightly, because it's not.
I text some guys I know I should not talk to anymore and yet I have committed myself to not seeing them. Here's the thing. You connect with them on the highest level of intimacy and you tell me if you can forget the way they tick, think, and are. You can't er well at least I cannot. I often have found that hiding the struggle or the problem from people who know can support you, doesn't do a darned thing. Actually, it makes it worse! Dating back in the day, some people have said, was easy and fun. Now it's high stakes, profile stalking, all this drama, and crazy that for me, after trying quite a few sights, I hung up my hat and walked out. It wasn't worth it to me. I spend 80 percent of my time at work and I didn't want to spend the other 20 percent of it, aka 'me time' searching for a potential person or at least not right now. I sit cross-legged sometimes without even realizing it. I take my shoes off because my feet sometimes hurt at work and I'm okay with it.
What I'm not alright with? Lugging all the groceries I can possibly carry into my house with my arms and shoulders hogged up I barely open the door. I sleep on one side of the bed and or in the middle because I worry the other side gets lonely and or cold. I talk louder on the phone in my apartment to appear there is noise. Had enough roommates not to want another. Can't afford a dog because I'd like to travel right now, but yet I look online for one once a week. Sunday school fills my heart with joy even if the kids are sometimes crazy. I like the whole concept of being busy so that I won't have to come home to an empty place, possibly cold, and potentially thelower stairwell reaks of someone smoking pot outside their place while I was out. I get to do so many fun things, but yet I find myself comparing to those who are bantering at a dinner party or at the store, or the ones who are yes ...wait for it... skipping in the park. Hiding from the reality looks easy till you are caught right back into doing something you swore you wouldn't and praying no one notices or maybe you do, so that it will end.
Block their number, you have it memorized. Email them then don't. Call them then don't call them. Then you're thinking, yeah this all started with how you doin, why can't it finish with, please go away? That's entirely up to you. Maybe I have to remind myself I'm something else, something wonderful, something beautiful, something no one can replicate. Holy tolito, I'm unique! The struggle is real, it really is. It doesn't have to be a scar or something everyone looks down upon you for or chooses not not hang out with you, or judge you on, tell you it's just a phase or to stop being depressed, snap out of it, this isn't you crap. No, it's something the true friends and family may not understand, but God totally does. If He brought you to it, he will surely bring you through it, even if it means smacking you upside the head or the doi moment you need to get there!
I text some guys I know I should not talk to anymore and yet I have committed myself to not seeing them. Here's the thing. You connect with them on the highest level of intimacy and you tell me if you can forget the way they tick, think, and are. You can't er well at least I cannot. I often have found that hiding the struggle or the problem from people who know can support you, doesn't do a darned thing. Actually, it makes it worse! Dating back in the day, some people have said, was easy and fun. Now it's high stakes, profile stalking, all this drama, and crazy that for me, after trying quite a few sights, I hung up my hat and walked out. It wasn't worth it to me. I spend 80 percent of my time at work and I didn't want to spend the other 20 percent of it, aka 'me time' searching for a potential person or at least not right now. I sit cross-legged sometimes without even realizing it. I take my shoes off because my feet sometimes hurt at work and I'm okay with it.
What I'm not alright with? Lugging all the groceries I can possibly carry into my house with my arms and shoulders hogged up I barely open the door. I sleep on one side of the bed and or in the middle because I worry the other side gets lonely and or cold. I talk louder on the phone in my apartment to appear there is noise. Had enough roommates not to want another. Can't afford a dog because I'd like to travel right now, but yet I look online for one once a week. Sunday school fills my heart with joy even if the kids are sometimes crazy. I like the whole concept of being busy so that I won't have to come home to an empty place, possibly cold, and potentially thelower stairwell reaks of someone smoking pot outside their place while I was out. I get to do so many fun things, but yet I find myself comparing to those who are bantering at a dinner party or at the store, or the ones who are yes ...wait for it... skipping in the park. Hiding from the reality looks easy till you are caught right back into doing something you swore you wouldn't and praying no one notices or maybe you do, so that it will end.
Block their number, you have it memorized. Email them then don't. Call them then don't call them. Then you're thinking, yeah this all started with how you doin, why can't it finish with, please go away? That's entirely up to you. Maybe I have to remind myself I'm something else, something wonderful, something beautiful, something no one can replicate. Holy tolito, I'm unique! The struggle is real, it really is. It doesn't have to be a scar or something everyone looks down upon you for or chooses not not hang out with you, or judge you on, tell you it's just a phase or to stop being depressed, snap out of it, this isn't you crap. No, it's something the true friends and family may not understand, but God totally does. If He brought you to it, he will surely bring you through it, even if it means smacking you upside the head or the doi moment you need to get there!
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