Hermit Crab Manifesto : Know Thyself
It's 1am. You sent a text in the afternoon or no you sent several, and you look at your phone and began to think that you are the problem, that you are the failure, that no one cares, or that no one sees you, or maybe it's just you rolling inside your head. You know you don't mean to, you just triggered, and the spinning has started. Lack of sleep, hard day, or maybe you want to try and cover up that you feel badly of how something went. Negative self talk is one of the most powerful, awful effects of Borderline Personality Disorder. In fact it rules so much, that a regular, successful, beautiful woman, who is already loved, breaks down and becomes what she is not. There a triggers, first it's when they feel threatened or disrespected, or ignored. Really, for everyone once that happens, usually a person lets go, says fuck that person, accepts the situation, and moves on. A person with BPD, in other words, heavy anxiety, doesn't. They hold themselves responsible for 100 percent and blames themselves when maybe they didn't do anything wrong, or they are blowing something out of proportion, (reactionary sense) without understanding the facts.
Maybe a person tells them they are too much, they text too much, don't take this personal, stop being this way, they need to grow up first, or they need help. I understand you know yourself, but it would be wonderful if you knew me. Imagine being able to sleep for only a little at a time, when a problem so much rules your heart and mind that it prevents you from sleeping at night, whether it's about work or personal life. In order to protect oneself they go into a shell, try to disappear and come back out when it's safe again. The best way to describe it, is like a hermit crab, or a turtle. As a child, I used to poke at the shells of crabs, forcing them to scratch the sides of the walls and then they would scurry away quickly to safety, because they felt they were being attacked, when really I just wanted to play. BPD is difficult to understand and takes years and a lot of love to work through. I am in it and I wanted to keep it under wraps, people will think I am crazy, and not tell them because who wants to know that you are struggling, no one.
When I meet new people it's exciting and interesting and I love to learn. I cling too hard though, I love too much. For the people in my family, or my closest friends, it has taken them several battles with me to understand. I don't wish it on anyone. It's very hard and I clench my fingers as I write because there's tears coming down my cheeks. I don't want to hide anymore. I used to muffle my tears in my bedroom growing up so no one would hear the sounds, but not anymore. Sometimes they haven't done anything and I manifest in my mind something that doesn't exist. This affects people that I love and care about, and even ones I don't mean to push away, or try too hard with. I wish they understood and could hear my voice from the other end. I don't have one when they don't hear me. I also am aware that it's a challenge not only for me to grow and go to therapy and work my program, but it's a challenge for them on the other side.
The triggers arise when I feel disrespected in any way and it isn't acknowledged. I know that is tough to explain, but it's real. Validate me when I am scared, hurt, lost, upset, or mad, even if I make zero sense at all.
I am a strong, independent, self sufficient, beautiful woman, I believe that and will continue to write that on a wall or a mirror or in my car, wherever I need that reminder. I respect the distance if I know it isn't about me. When you ask me to center myself, you are asking me to be what you need, which I cannot be right away. I want to be what you need, but I need help too. My hope and my prayer is that when you read this friends and family, is that there will be awareness for the anxiety individuals who aren't giving up on fighting this struggle. I won't give up on you, never have, never will, please don't give up on me. I need patience and love in a world that may or may not have a clue on how to handle or deal with all this. Have a great day readers!
Maybe a person tells them they are too much, they text too much, don't take this personal, stop being this way, they need to grow up first, or they need help. I understand you know yourself, but it would be wonderful if you knew me. Imagine being able to sleep for only a little at a time, when a problem so much rules your heart and mind that it prevents you from sleeping at night, whether it's about work or personal life. In order to protect oneself they go into a shell, try to disappear and come back out when it's safe again. The best way to describe it, is like a hermit crab, or a turtle. As a child, I used to poke at the shells of crabs, forcing them to scratch the sides of the walls and then they would scurry away quickly to safety, because they felt they were being attacked, when really I just wanted to play. BPD is difficult to understand and takes years and a lot of love to work through. I am in it and I wanted to keep it under wraps, people will think I am crazy, and not tell them because who wants to know that you are struggling, no one.
When I meet new people it's exciting and interesting and I love to learn. I cling too hard though, I love too much. For the people in my family, or my closest friends, it has taken them several battles with me to understand. I don't wish it on anyone. It's very hard and I clench my fingers as I write because there's tears coming down my cheeks. I don't want to hide anymore. I used to muffle my tears in my bedroom growing up so no one would hear the sounds, but not anymore. Sometimes they haven't done anything and I manifest in my mind something that doesn't exist. This affects people that I love and care about, and even ones I don't mean to push away, or try too hard with. I wish they understood and could hear my voice from the other end. I don't have one when they don't hear me. I also am aware that it's a challenge not only for me to grow and go to therapy and work my program, but it's a challenge for them on the other side.
The triggers arise when I feel disrespected in any way and it isn't acknowledged. I know that is tough to explain, but it's real. Validate me when I am scared, hurt, lost, upset, or mad, even if I make zero sense at all.
I am a strong, independent, self sufficient, beautiful woman, I believe that and will continue to write that on a wall or a mirror or in my car, wherever I need that reminder. I respect the distance if I know it isn't about me. When you ask me to center myself, you are asking me to be what you need, which I cannot be right away. I want to be what you need, but I need help too. My hope and my prayer is that when you read this friends and family, is that there will be awareness for the anxiety individuals who aren't giving up on fighting this struggle. I won't give up on you, never have, never will, please don't give up on me. I need patience and love in a world that may or may not have a clue on how to handle or deal with all this. Have a great day readers!
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