Love owes me one

Love owes me one

I feel horrible to complain, but I am so tired. I give until my hands are numb and my lips are blue. Christianity calls upon us to give and expect nothing in return. I am the person who goes above what is expected, in fact I know people who know what I am talking about when it comes to caring and loving. I have to know when to set a boundary and say “I cannot take it anymore.” I enjoy helping others out, but I also become so drained, because there is so much output involved and I don’t quit. Maybe I expect results or someone to come and take care of me.  I feel love owes me one (as the lyrics of Ronnie Dunn flow through my head). I need to feel wanted and needed, but I also very much require that same reciprocation in order to feel loved and be appreciated. Sometimes I give and the person says nothing, or they just don’t care like I do. I want to know when it’s  my turn, when I will be with that person who isn’t a jerk, or doesn’t push me away, or ignore my efforts. Fell for the unavailable, the ruthless beasts of burden, lifeless, loveless, and the immature, broken down trains. Why do I they come to my realm, fall into my lap, and try to stay, when I don’t want them?  My personality has a need for security and with love the ‘right kind of love’ there is security; that person will be there. I would say that at times it’s hard to remain the optimist or the warrior (in this case) if nothing seems to work, or fit. I get all kinds of throwaways, nothing to write home about. Family worries about me, and I keep putting myself out there, but damnit love owes me one. I pray as much as I can and I sit watching others who have been held and will continue to be. I was so tempted to say to him ‘yes please hold me’ (physically, because the Lord can hold you mentally essentially). 5^th week of this lent project and I am breaking like glass against tile, loud and forceful, but with just the right effect that even if someone heard it, the mess would be cleared before a soul would notice. Oh no see that’s not how it should be, there’s got to be a he. I can’t imagine how people would live without having love. I become exhausted, hibernate, give some more, then hide out again. The cycle happens whenever I believe I have a chance, however, I forget to prep for disappointment when I turn out to be no less than wrong and disappointment, following how much I think it won’t work.. I may be one of those hopeless romantics, but when it turns out right you wonder if it will last or if it’s even real; you wonder if this person knows how much you have been hurting and waiting. I keep repeating and reassuring to myself everything will work out, and they will come soon. I continue trying, but a part of me starts to harden bit by bit, or closes off. I become agitated quickly, so much so that I have to go do something to be distracted. I am the woman who picks up a lady bug off the street and saves the little one from being crushed, takes them to a lush set of green grass, so where’s my happy ending? Or wait, am I going to be like Robin from “How I met your mother” who never gets married, or Mother Theresa, oh that sounds all kinds of ridiculous! I am holding out, I mean I hope and pray I am. I got rid of a bad egg and feel freed from it. I try to do so much in His name and invite people to see the work of God is being done, but so much wasted and worn, constantly writing the same old ballad, dried up raisin in the sun. One day I will be there that ‘special day’ the Beyonce song “Best I never had” will be playing and all those idiots will drop away, because love owes me one.