Lyrical ala mode : dated feb 17, 2013


After a much anticipated special and incredible birthday weekend, I am left thinking of so many things. The first being of the many blessings in my life...for starters, my family and friends, the beautiful new apartment and roommate I have and the area I have moved to, my grandpa's health, recovery mode, a full time job, support and love, the ability to enjoy dancing and doing things I love in my life. As much as I despise bringing it up, I find myself doing so again. 
I have made mistakes in my life, one last week specifically which changed me, thankful to be alive and lesson learned, I am left with one notion: I clung to myself that night. I was desperately feeling empty despite God's angels and my lucky circumstances, and knew what it was again the internal fear I have always harbored inside my being....  ( yes that feeling I've dreamt for and figured I would have someday) to love and be loved. A person can go and treat themselves to a nice meal, pampering, a new adventure, a joyous occasion, or an ice cream cone, or hash it out at the gym, or see a therapist, but it doesn't take away or erase what's always there, the space, sure get busy, volunteer, call a friend, clean, but for gosh sakes don't think or mention that person, yea you know that one you are thinking about, worrying over, stressing about, or that someone you wish you had right in front of you.
lying to yourself that sure you are fine, you don't need anyone, that even if it never happens, you will be happy, but are you really? Flooding the memory bank with all the past memories, causing an overload, at which point, the brain can't take it anymore. I wonder if I will ever welcome the possibilty, but at the present moment, I don't. I will stop looking and hoping, and I need to. Heres the thing, "I would do anything for love, but I won't do that" because I am "All out of love" all I have is "Too Close" to explain why or how. Some could say it's "Hooked on a Feelin", but I ask for "respect" and be the "Best thing I've Never Had." Could someone worthy, "Take my breath away" call and say "My girl." 'What I meant to say," baby I give up, because I don't stand a chance. "I can only imagine" and pray to stop this hope or this dream, "i can't help myself."
"Why you wanna" hurt me continuously, when I'm already done? I also feel as if I am living in the wrong area, and all these wrong men are being thrown my way to help me realize that I can be and stay stronger even if I'm not "More Like Her," which I think " I don't wanna be." No more "listen to your heart" or staying "up all night" just "think of me" when it's too late.  I will be doing great things, because I am "Nobody's Fool." Honey, "you don't know me," but I am some kind of awesome and "I want somebody I can bitch about." 

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