Miss Moxie 2.0: Write from the heart

You know what really is disconcerting, is expecting someone to understand who you are and as the saying goes: "be unapologetically yourself." I can't apologize for thinking, feeling, saying, breathing, or anything, but for some reason i always do. I fear what people think, and what will come out of it and how I will be judged and one day i wont care so much, I will not berate myself for mistakes Ive made or for someone else who doesnt understand me or appreciate who iam. I have two awesome brothers who when everything seems awash they remind me Im worth it. Sitting in the hot tub at a hotel that looks like an italian villa, the other nite, a random firework went off in the sky, max and I looked up and I felt better. It was a gold light of sparks and incredibly surprising. I am so anxious and at times cannot help what I feel. When I miss people I really miss them, no question. When I care I really care, and its funny when you dont expect something terrible to happen or if you do expectthe worst you know it wont last forever or if you have done something and cant go back. As as a women i make a list of all I want in a guy but even if women did and do and well we do anyways we cant predict any outcome or any moment of our lives where would be the joy and pain in all that? God has each and every piece planned out and decides that for us. If we knew what it was now we wouldnt be appreciative when we actually get there to wherever he wants us to go. We have more excitement love and happy and sad, angry and heartbreaks to go through and he will see us through all of it. And that is the hardest part but we need to turn the other cheek even if betrayed or lied to. We cannot retaliate or confront thats not our job. Thats gods to handle not ours. If we took on everything we think we could or can we'd hurt even more than we do when we feel pain or sadness. He isnt asking us to do that hes asking us to feel what we feel and trust that this too shall pass.  The pain you feel or sadness you feel in your heart if any is a time in which you can ask God to take this in his hands and heal you the way he intends to heal each broken person who admits they dont have control over anything or anyone. Like a penney in a wishing well, once its thrown, you dont deep sea dive to retrieve it or keep on trying to fight you have lost it, you let it float to the bottom. So maybe I am a penney and Im on the ocean floor floating to the sandy bottom, searching for another journey and a start or to heal from a pain I have in my heart. Ive heard it said before dont write about your personal life or share, but like bridget jones, its who I am, i write, think, and say exactly what is on that mind of mine whats a girl to do?

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