A big, juicy burger and then there's Benadryl.... awww man!

People pleasers make for exhausting relationships. I know this very well. I have been one of them.  I wanted to impress others, get with the crowd, or be liked. I say whatever I can, do whatever I can, and hope in the end they will like me. Maybe what I missed entirely is that if they do not already like and accept you, that’s their problem, not yours. My heart overflows with what I can do, and not  how God wants me to be. Forget the idea whether you are a believer or not. Who do I need to be for me? The storm is the same; it comes crashing down on me emotionally, then I combust into a thousand particles exponentially like a meteor asteroid across the sky.  The point at which I try to justify myself becomes too much and some people lose what I am really saying, or what I even mean. I have never been a fan of excess lazy days that require lots of rest when sick; who does really. I’m never really alone, but my mind begins to believe that I am. That maybe, I haven’t done enough, or that I went overboard, it’s not a medium.

My texting fingers fly faster than they would against an antique type writer. I want to fix it, I want to help, I want to be there, I want to do something, something rather than nothing.  I have to do something! I need to do it I cry. The struggle with patience and anxiety is every day.  I feel it breathing like a dragon down my neck to remind me, I am not the boss anymore. I continue to fight it and began to cry thinking I have every chance in hell to figure it out. Who’s driving here, where are we? Watching my dog sit at the window in complete silence, staring outside at the world below, I see her waiting. She begins to whimper pawing at her toys, squeaking each one of them in an effort to get my attention. A lover and cuddly, never upset when I come home, this is unconditional love. She doesn’t hate me, she doesn’t judge me, she isn’t angry with me, and she’s always waiting.

I take it too far trying to be everything for someone when I want to be enough just for me. I am enough. Maybe it’s not for someone maybe it’s not for anyone actually. I am enough for me. Repeatedly hearing, here she goes again, it happened last time, try not to talk so much, and try not to say or do that. Telling me to relax is that last thing I want to hear. In fact, it’s the worst, I feel invisible and that what I really need to know is are you listening? Keep asking for advice, keep distracting yourself, try again, and try harder, no stop trying. I am a people pleaser. You get mad, I get scared and mad with you. You get sad, I am sad with you. The cycle goes over and over and some people just get tired of the moments, and they can’t deal, truth is, most likely neither can I. We like to hide ourselves in the beginning because we think that this will help and maybe I will get a date or that this person won’t think I’m crazy, or weird.

We even tell them that and we began to believe what they tell them so then becomes fact in our heads.  I sometimes feel like Mia, anxiety driven when she feels I am abandoning her for the work day. To her, each time I am leaving for good, and the whimpering grows louder as I hit the stairs to go. She doesn’t know I will return. I feel like her because sometimes I convince myself they are gone, it’s all my fault, and they won’t be back, I am finished. This is the people pleasing to the point of extinction, more than oversight, the reaction, the need for an answer.

The answer will be there and it doesn’t cease to amaze me each time. The answer is, we are enough. I am enough. You know who you are, even if you don’t, I am so sorry. I can’t blame it on the Benadryl and I cannot blame it on my stupidity, or the fact that I am at home sick, (like I wish I could eat a burger and not another progressive soup) sick.  I people please and I mean all of my gestures when they are given. However, what I really wanted to say is, if you have to hide your flaws, and succumb to the struggles which control your mind, nothing will ever be worth it. So yes, I am intense, intensely passionate, wild, and big hearted and it’s too bad we don’t have more of that in the world. Moxie signing off to watch more cheesy romance movies, read about British soldiers and have some dog cuddling included.

Side note : said picture is not real, and for the record I do not have a cat obsession, it' a dog look again, you goonie!