That was then this is now? New Yrs Res again?!

That was then this is now? New Yrs Res again?!

Hello 2016! (Kellie Pickler on spotify and Air Supply) A couple weeks ago, I ran into an old high school guy my sister dated. I used to think he was too cool for school and well actually kind of a jerk. He was with a girl that was my friend's daughter. I was out for happy hour with a friend and she leaned lver and said, do you know this guy? I looked over and smiled. It could not be. This guy was the very same one who I watched be a player to others. His face was confused. Do I know you? Yes, actually last name Vigeant, you knew my sister. The man couldnt contain himself he was stoked, he kept asking about her, where and how she was, what was she up to. His poor girl, what a mess. I had had a good night, and told him she's surfing and living life and its crazy fun and nutso challenges down south. I left before it got more interesting, but in reality I felt thrilled for my sister. 

That was then, this is now. I am a fuckup. I say the wrong things, I mess up, I have anxiety so much my brain hurts. I was a geek with braces, glasses, with outbursts that even a volcano would stand down against. God it gets harder each day. Then, now, a lot has changed. I wonder where they all are, the naysayers, the dont do that, say this, think that, you're so weird, what is your deal? Where are you now? My relatives health's are declining, it is hard, then I have friend's whose parents are dying or ill, it is just so hard to watch. 

So for all the stuff and that I will experience this year or not, or go through, here is my ride or die list, for now and beyond. I have so much that I have done or didnt do. People hate me, people ignore me, judge me, and they want me to decide. One day I will not care. One day it will all make sense. But as my family, extended and core began to age, I rack my brain and wonder if it all counted. I wonder if I could do more or fix things maybe I cannot even fix. They tell you not to be exactly who you are, this flawed being, well 2016 or now, be you. I give it my all, my everything. I made a mistake, and I wish I knew what to say or what I could do. I hope they know how much I care...god I hope. For the record, if you are reading this, I am sorry, please forgive me.....(and broke another rule, don't write about it, aww hell) 

They keep wondering when I will get it right, or when I will make it happen. No lie every year I have this same prayer and hope. I really do want to be hitched one day down the road, but if I don't I know I will have tried all I could. Lifr is short. I will say it once, say it too many times, laugh, cry, get mad, but don't run unless you are not enough. Relationship goals: be honest, don't go to bed angry, fight constructively, ride or die bffs, tell it like it is, patience with anxiety, love me like I'm gone tomorrow; I am sure there is more, but the wine is going to my head, Nestrovia y'all and Happy New Year to you! 

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