Going off the Deep End: Honesty Has a Sucker Punch

When I was little I tattled to mom about every little thing my siblings did and I was chatty Kathy. I made sure to tell the stories, because I thought that's what you did. The outbursts seemed normal at first, and then the obvious took place, there was little to connect with so I clung harder. In fact, I clung so tight to my friends and to my parents so I could escape whatever I was I claimed I had, a rejection, a desperation, a fear, anger, the emotions were out of control. I didn't realize it until they began to worry or push me away, thinking I had lost my bloody mind, and that I was just going through some type of phase. If this was a phase, I wouldn't be gripping for my life, and wanting to change, to get away from whatever it is that is trying to parade around and produce chaos where there doesn't need to be. Try falling for someone, I mean really falling for them, and telling them you can't because it turns out you lost the feeling; the idea of the person, the love, the whole thing. It's like telling someone you hate it when they ignore your texts, or call, really they don't mean it at all, and they were just busy. They are busy you tell yourself, out with other people. NOT YOU. The mind is incredibly powerful., the thoughts it can create are some of the most dangerous things, stupid, and in mere hindsight ridiculous things. The apologizing for one, for saying I'm sorry when you know you didn't do anything wrong, and now you are the victim here, the intensity is rising, the anxiety is rising. The tears start to shake every inch of you, and you hoped the distractions were enough, that going out to the movies by yourself, and taking a walk, working out, doing something, that's enough. They all say, it's okay you are just sad, or mad, or angry and gosh you wear your emotions right on your sleeve, shape up and chill the hell out, you're fine. My relationships were strained, and I....suffocated the people I love, so they would stay. Stay where I didn't know, but stay with me. It was so easy to go see Mom, just go to mom with everything, because she always has the answer, everything will be fine, once mom is here. Trust me, the idea sounds acceptable when you are 16 and the prom went bad, but not when you are a grown woman in her twenty's having what appears to be a cry fest or a meltdown in need of some serious damage replacement. Over what, a boy, because someone wouldn't talk to you, over stress, things didn't go your way, you lost someone, over spilled milk, oh yes, all of those things minus the fact that I don't drink milk. I'm not running to Mom this time, so shut the hell up. I compared myself to so many people including one of my siblings. Try measuring up to someone who could get anyone they want, and try listening to someone tell you that you have to get that in order to get what you want. No don't, why, because it's absurd that's why. Be you. That person is in there somewhere underneath all the debri everywhere and all the crap of the past, and the present day, of really working on yourself and not being embarrassed to say you are going to counseling and that you know what, that person may be awesome, but I'm not them, I'm me. Sometimes it feels like going off the deep end. You don't have the answer to where you are going right away, and that scares the living shit out of you. Not going to get it, and it makes you cry harder, or fist more at the invisible air. You are mentally exhausted from the effort and can't explain the feeling, so you began to shut yourself out, shut down, and completely, decompose. Socially, mentally, and physically and you don't tell a soul what's going on. You in a moment of need, break and text someone hoping to climb out, and that they have the anectdote, a hug, a burn party, just something so that this will end. If you are still reading this, frankly I am surprised. The experience is not good. I used to turn to alcohol, and sex to alleviate and mind numb away from the fact that I really needed help. I needed to seek God and therapy, to find Margo. And know what, life is actually good, it's funny cause it really is good. I'm going on a mission trip, I'm in a great bible study, I have a mission trip to go to, and then later Ireland in August, picked up biking, and work is fine. All is well, but in here it's not, it's a constant state of changing negativity and emotions that I myself am not prepared for. Everyone and I mean everyone writes you off as this emotional time bomb, crazy, loony tune, person, when THIS, this, this isn't Me. The common reaction from people is to run, and to firmly and or calmly explain they don't understand or that they fully do, and they can't handle it, they can't handle what they are saying. Well damnit, I couldn't either, and sometimes I still cannot. Someone very close to me once told me that happiness is a form of courage, and it is rightfully so, because even despite writing this now, this truth, this fucking (yeah I went there, bleep it out, if it bothers you), opinion, and THIS, is not who I am, and I have plenty of time, to work and grow, and overcome this mess; in the words of Aleisha Moore (Pink) "When you have a dark side, nothing is ever as good as it seems." I am funny, talented, smart, a little blonde, outrageous, and beautiful, and I have a whole lot of living left, so fasten your seat belt, save me some oreos, hey I never said this ride would be quick, or smooth?  God is calling or maybe it's my tummy..... Honey, yes you, what are you doing on the floor, get up beautiful girl, I don't have all day!