Letting go is the hardest part: true confessions moment

People ask if you are okay and it’s the usual yes of course, no problem, or yes I’m fine, all good just tired or yes why I wouldn’t be, etc. Maybe they don’t tell you cause they are scared what you will think, so they lie as if it’s okay not to be real and say what’s going on. Could be because you feel like you made a mistake, maybe the same one five times, or maybe just cause it should be over and done, but it’s not, or it’s just a bad day, who knows. Either way it’s there like an elephant in the room staring you in the face waiting for an answer or maybe for you to answer back to your own face in the mirror. Yeah, you lookey here, I’m talking to you. I don’t want to be that girl that’s heavily reliant on my father or guys for help, that’s just ridiculous. Sure Youtube, has the video watch and learn, and yet I still find myself asking for help for simple things. I don’t like to ask for it either, and I have already asked you, I don’t usually ask again. I live by myself, and I could just as easily put a nail in the wall, hang a picture, fix a leaking sink, a busted closet door or doorknob, take all of the groceries in in one trip, and change the oil. Out of all the people I could ask for help, I asked the one I care about and don’t want to care about or maybe know better than to care about whatever. Everyone says stop complaining, get your crap together, whine to your girlfriends not your man; your man isn’t your friend blah, blah, blah, take care of yourself or risk not getting taken care of later. Being single is not easy damnit. I don’t have to answer to anyone, I get to go as I please, but at the end of the day, I can’t run up and tell you what it’s like, because if I did, it wouldn’t make sense unless it was experienced directly the same. The other day, a friend told me in confidence about a guy we know leaving his wife for a sports mom in the area! Are you kidding me? Then she added well maybe the wife was to blame and didn’t take of herself, make herself pretty and desirable for her man. Hearing that was simply awful and stays with me. Being single doesn’t mean we are half witted, passive aggressive, indecisive, or unappealing, it just means we haven’t found the one who sees us for who we really are. I love when people ask if I am alright, but I hide it a lot when it’s repeated, as if they already know the story that’s coming, so I try not to tell, but then it comes out really fast, and I can’t take it back, and wish I had kept quiet. No one should feel this way, because it stinks. You wonder why single people either have roomies, pets, or still live with their rents. Don’t tell me it’s because it’s just merely for the reason of convenience.  I mean maybe it is, but from what I know, it’s because a person is lonely. I am gone a lot, a pet isn’t in the cards, but combating the single life can be incredibly confusing and frustrating. I tell people because maybe if I talk it out, I will feel better and an ear to listen is much needed. You run the risk, of what they will say, or what their advice will be like, and whether or not you should tell them. I am not sure if it’s better to care too much or not care at all. And then you get the well you shouldn’t have done that, or well I think we told you once already. Well, here’s my thought. Physical is a huge part of a relationship and messes you up from your core and puts you in a connection with someone you may or may not or could not care about anymore. I don’t know about that, because for some I’d say even if you haven’t had any physical, I for one, sometimes drift to that person most especially at the those times when I don’t think I would period. It’s a difficult line to cross, trusting someone you had been previously known to not be trusted, or has wronged you before. The thing is Im only upset with myself and not very many people on outside can see exactly whats happening unless they had the whole back story, if you know a person long enough its that much harder to stay away especially if you stretch your arms out for another shot at whatever it is you are in. I can’t beat myself up and I won’t. These tears just came. It’s not regret, it’s I’m too exhausted with all of these thoughts, and the words to try and sort out everything. The gym always makes me feel better, but at the moment, all I can think about, is finishing the work day and curling into a ball to sleep; maybe yoga. For now, I will say it anyways, sometimes God’s timing is extremely hard to wait for, but I pray it’s amazing, because this is miserable, working to choose happy, not sad. :)